TV, on the other hand, is the thing that makes me feel like my most lazy, childless self, and although there is not one single second I wish we did not have a baby, sometimes I want to know that I'm capable of forgetting I have a baby. If that makes sense.
When I was pregnant, I had a hard time with feeling like my body was not my own. Now that the baby has come out, and I have this scar and this soft belly and these wider hips, I care so much less than I ever thought I would. There hasn't been a moment where I've been rocked by my changed body, but there have been quite a few where I am hit with the realization that I will never not love Beckett, and it's not the love in my heart that sends me reeling, but the places in my brain that are occupied by the side effects of that love--the worrying of, well I won't even make a list because we all have our own lists and I don't want to add to yours. But now, he will always occupy this huge part of my brain that before, there was...what? Surely there was something. Because it does feel like I'm missing a little something.
But maybe what I'm missing is sleep, and just like your heart grows when you love someone new, maybe your mind does, too. In the meantime, I'll cherish my nightly episode with my husband and hope we don't turn into these people.